The Bachelor: Will farting be the key to Matty J's heart?
MATTY J's much anticipated return to The Bachelor has been sullied by a moist palm, a putrid dress and one potential lover letting one rip.
Last time we saw the 30-year-old marketing manager, he was doubled over in a sea of mulched roses after Georgia Love unceremoniously tore his heart out in front of the nation.
He said he was heartbroken. He worried he would never recover. He was ruined.
But it's amazing how $200,000 and a team of crafty producers can make everything feel better again.
So we are all back.
And the team around him are pulling out all the stops to make him the most desirable man in Australia.
Here he is running shirtless on the beach!
Did we mention he also showers?!
And here he is with a BER-BEH!
On Wednesday night, Matty J meets the 21 girls hand-picked to either steal his heart, cause drama or pose for a future near-nude photospread in Maxim magazine. Casting is all about striking a fine balance.
The first girl to clamour out of the limousine and meet Matty J is 24-year-old Alix. She tells us she's a professional body painter, and she says it with a straight face. I applied neon-coloured zinc to the face of a really hot guy at a music festival once, so I consider Alix a colleague.
She tells Matty J she has a nervous eye twitch and he thinks it's totally adorable. I have a nervous habit where my anxiety gets so out of control in a social setting my therapist makes me count white-coloured objects in the room so I don't collapse, so I know exactly what Alix is feeling in this moment.
Next up is Tara - a nanny who prefers to describe everything in life as either "hectic" or "epic".
She has some kind of stickfigure tattooed behind her ear and Matty J can't resist taking a closer look.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but I would never show a boy the backside of my ear on the first date.
Then there's this chick who eats a balloon.
Cobie and Matty J continue to inhale helium and talk in funny voices for an annoyingly long time and it gets old before it even started.
The only important thing to take note about Coby - besides a shortened lifespan from inhaling chemicals - is that she's one of those girls who practices all her facial expressions in front of the mirror before leaving the house.
Immediately upon arrival, Laura Ann confides in Matty J that her ovaries are tingling. Producers promptly whisk her away for a pathology test.
By now, we've whirled through a steady stream of ladies, but none have really stood out as "The One".
Then we hear a guttural moan come from inside the next limousine.
"My hands are sticky - they're a little bit moist," she informs Matty J.
Matty doesn't say a word. Natalie then moves in uncomfortably close to his face to repeat the word "moist" over and over.
After exposing her issues with moistness, Natalie decides we're now all friends and tells Matty J about how she was dating a woman last year but his appearance on The Bachelor made her straight again.
Oh, and then she sniffs her fingers.
The fuzz turns up to shut this episode down on the grounds it's a total snooze fest but Matty J greases the palm of the law by letting the cop enter the competition.
Akoulina, a 29-year-old rhythmic gymnast from the Gold Coast makes quite an entrance by doing a ribbon dance down the red carpet.
When Leah arrives, she's oddly confident. She tells Matty J his hair sucks, swirls her hands through it then stands back and declares she's fixed it.
Leah thinks she's slick and keeps trying to slot in sexual innuendo with every response.
"I like it nice and slow," she slurs.
"Huh?" a confused Matty J says.
"Nobody likes it over and done with," Leah continues, arching an eyebrow.
"What?" Matty says, shaking his head.
"All good things come to those who wait," Leah tells him, licking her teeth and looking him up and down.
She looks at him with a coy smile, satisfied with the successful flirtation that's just went on in her head.
As Leah enters the cocktail party, she manages to ignore all 20 girls in the room and it doesn't go down well.
"I MEET NICER PEOPLE AT ALDI!" declares one of the offended ladies.
But Leah doesn't care. She's a Woolworths girl in an Aldi world. And Woolworths girls play by their own rules.
When Osher rolls Matty J into the cocktail party, he announces a huge new surprise this year: There's a "secret garden"! I don't really know what this is or how it's different to last year's cocktail parties. I just think a section of the backyard has been blocked off with some timber lattice.
As Matty J starts to mingle, a new surprise girl enters and she's twirling fire.
The girls are terrified and this is an accurate depiction of the moment.
But a new lady setting fire to the Bachelor mansion is the least of the girls' worries. There's a much bigger problem at hand and we didn't even notice. A putrid dress is among us.
We hear a soft voice observe: "That dress is putrid! Ew!"
The comment came out of the mouth of some girl called Elizabeth. And the dress in question is this white thing belonging to Jennifer.
Jennifer is distraught. She runs to a group of girls and breaks down. It's been an emotional night.
"I hate her! I don't want anything to do with that girl! She's a horrid person," Jennifer spits.
She confronts Elizabeth and Elizabeth pretends to act dumb. They go back and forth but we don't even care anymore because something even more important has just happened.
SOMEONE LET ONE RIP.
Remember moist Natalie? Well she was getting a little too jolly with the other girls. And as she went to do a funny walk across the patio, she stopped and lifted her leg. And then she giggled and ran off.
It sends shockwaves across the Bachelor mansion. I imagine it was even felt in the secret garden.
The other girls are stunned. Murmurs fill the courtyard about the incident.
"Did she just fart?"
"Did she really?"
"Did she really just lift the leg?"
One person who is absolutely not impressed with the fart is Jennifer. But who is she to talk, her dress is putrid.
Jennifer is of the firm belief that women - particularly those who have their life together -
DO NOT DO THAT.
"What woman does that? That kind of behaviour is just grubby. It's dirty. And that's not me im a lady. I've got my life together I act like a woman," she says, disgusted.
As the air clears, the first rose ceremony of 2017 is called to order.
There are 21 girls and 19 roses. Two will leave.
As names are called, Jennifer delivers an internal monologue about how much she hates Elizabeth.
"More than anything I just want Liz to go home. Liz is just a horrible person. She makes nasty comments. So let's get her out of here," she scowls.
Jennifer gets through. There's three girls remaining and one rose left. Will Jennifer's prayers for Liz to be dumped from the competition like, say, a putrid dress, be answered?
Hours pass before the final rose is handed out.
"Elizabeth," Matty beams.
Maybe Matty J sees himself falling in love with Elizabeth. Or Maybe he just likes her fashion commentary and secretly wants her in to troll Jennifer. Maybe Elizabeth will have a weekly segment where Jennifer is made select an outfit and then Elizabeth gets to criticise it in front of everybody.
We'll just have to wait and see.
For more observations on being a Woolworth's girl and sniffing your fingers, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir