OPINION: New priest stumbles over the vodka
A NEW Priest at his first mass in Ipswich was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the parish priest how he had done.
The parish priest replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took his advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he placed a large glass of vodka on the pulpit and unfortunately forgot the water.
He soon got nervous and took a drink. As the words started to flow he took another and another until the glass was empty.
As he finished up he felt happy because he could see from the look in the parishioners' eyes he had captured their attention.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath - he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.