You know them - four folks who ruin your retail experience
CHRISTMAS is done, New Year's resolutions abandoned and for a lot of us the only thing getting us through is the thrill of the January sales.
For me, the chance to grab an entirely useless object "below cost" is an opportunity too good to refuse.
Unfortunately, the same allure exists for 98% of the population and loving thy neighbour in a shopping centre can be a hard thing to do, especially when they are these people:
Pushy Pram Pusher
I swear it is some kind of human phenomenon.
When a woman goes through the horrific ordeal that is childbirth not only do they gain a little bundle of joy and sleepless nights.
Some mums also gain the ability to wield the trusty stroller as a dangerous weapon.
Especially near your feet.
Don't get me wrong; I love mums. I have one myself and am quite attached to her, but I find a lot of mums do that "excuse me" thing a little bit too late.
Here's how it goes: "Excuse me" - you lift your head to assess the situation you're supposed to excuse them from, but too late. There's a pram up the back of your heels or, like my latest sustained injury, directly over the bony high-point on your foot.
In nightclub land Pushy Pram Pusher Shopper is the equivalent of Rompy Stompy Heel Wearers - girls that stomp around in 22cm heels with no regard to the feet they leave bloodied and bruised in their path.
If you don't believe the best people in the world (mums) are capable of such carnage, do yourself a favour - pop down to the markets on a Sunday, stand at the end of a row of and watch the destruction unfold before your very eyes.
Overzealous Bargain Hunter
The name says it all.
You speak too loudly, elbow too much and are almost certain you have managed to survive the apocalypse and are the only person on the planet.
Does this sound like you?
Well sort it out, because you have a lot to answer for in the rise of shopping-centre related violence.
It's a scene that could melt the coldest of hearts - a gorgeous, happy family, strolling along with arms linked, not a care in the world.
Unless that scene is happening in a busy thoroughfare of a shopping centre, with an exasperated mob stuck behind them, instead of a grassy meadow in Austria.
Unfortunately, some families simply do know how to use an escalator - which is, of course, single file and stick to the left.
The right side is for fast movers, such as shoppers with a suspected fracture from a pram transporting triplets running over their foot and now in desperate need of an icepack.
I know, I know, you've been made to come here like a lowly street urchin abducted by an evil shopping witch and forced into a life of price comparisons and changing room chairs.
We all know you don't want to be there. We have Bored Males of our own and if we have managed to escape to the shopping centre without them we don't want to be reminded of them. There really is no need for the eye rolling and incessant sighing.
Look alive! You're bringing the mood down, not only for your lovely significant other/mother/sister/friend, but for everyone.
One glimpse of a Bored Male slumped in the corner on the standard Bored Male's chair at the entrance to the changing rooms and it kills my buzz.
Chances are you've just had the cricket on for the past six weeks.
Pretty sure you're not forced into a clothes shop six weeks of the year.