MAFS’ Ryan unleashes on co-stars in comedy act
WARNING: Explicit content
BITTER jabs at Davina, revelations about Telv's foreskin, digs at Nasser's sexuality and admissions of losing his virginity at 14 to a prostitute have all been spat out on the stage of a dark student bar by Married At First Sight's jilted groom Ryan Gallagher.
"There's a chance tonight won't actually go ahead," a frantic tall man in a blazer and baseball cap told me an hour and a half after the gig was supposed to start.
"Oh no," I replied with a grin, thrilled my prediction the debut show of Ryan's national comedy tour was somehow about to become a trainwreck before it even left the station.
The tall capped man proceeded to blame a projector before labelling the staff at the University of Sydney's Manning Bar "c***s".
The fact this show was at a university bar pretty much said it all. Ryan - a tradie from Maroubra who found national attention on Channel 9's controversial dating show where he was matched with cheating wife Davina - isn't a comedian.
When I got the press release for the tour, I immediately RSVPed. At best it would be at mess. At worst I'd get to pretend I'm 21 and finally have the opportunity to tell people I'm studying poli sci.
It seems my fellow poli sci class mates were similarly intrigued.
Not even the Arctic vortex which huffed its frosty breath across Sydney on Friday night deterred. Long before doors opened at 7pm, there was a line. And it grew, eventually snaking along the stone path and down the street.
My mouth was agape at how many university students were genuinely keen to witness a reality show contestant try his hand at comedy. The audience ran the gamut. There were chicks with peroxide top knots. Some guys. Lots of girls who looked like they could be the secret fourth sister in Haim. The reasons behind their attendance didn't match the irony of their blunt haircuts, statement eyewear and mum jeans.
By 7:05pm, five minutes after the doors were meant to open, the students were tapping their watches. They don't like tardiness or the cold at Sydney University. At 7:25pm, they weren't impressed. And neither was I. As I thumbed through the latest edition of Honi Soit, I was forced to listen to some girl's awful podcast idea and when I shuffled back in the line I got trapped overhearing some guy called Gilly crap on about a crisis that's gripping that Australian economy that none of us have heard of yet.
"I'm freezing my tea bags off," Gilly grunted, swiftly switching gears from national economy analysis.
One seven-dollar plastic cup of wine later, we were inside and the lights dimmed.
Ryan, nervous after being forced to shuffle around his material due to the lack of a projector, hit the stage and delivered his first joke - courtesy of Davina.
"So, Davina's threatening to sue me," he began. "Well, ah, good luck, f**k. I was shocked. Not at the fact she's suing me. It's the most attention she's paid me since we were married. And good f**king luck suing me, too. All I got is two French bulldogs and a beard trimmer. She could do with a beard trimmer, though."
It was only appropriate Dean also got a mention.
"She left me for a 41-year-old ranga named Dean," he said. "You might know him from his successful rapping career as DJ Visionz. More like Blurred Visionz if you found her attractive."
Exhibiting complete command over his craft, Ryan then veered away from Davina and onto farts before segueing back to both Davina and farts.
"Now ladies, don't get upset if we don't stay around after an evening together. It's probably because we're saving 400 farts from the night before," he informed. "And there's a good chance if we don't leave now we're gonna f**king explode. What you girls think is our c*m face is actually our 'please don't fart' face. Maybe Davina hadn't had any work done - maybe she was just busting for a fart the whole show."
Following his comedy routine, Ryan decided to give his uncensored views of his former Married At First Sight co-stars in a Q&A.
"[Troy] is f***ing crackers. It's like watching someone who takes pingers 24-7," he said.
"I don't get along with Sarah - we hate each other ... she hates me, she's blocked me on everything. Like I give a f***.
"Telv and his wedding night speech, his friend got up and scared the shit out of Sarah's friends by saying he could fit 11 one dollar coins in his foreskin. I haven't got a forey so I don't know if that's possible, is it? It's like fitting them in a footy sock, he must have a big one. Blow it up like a balloon."
After talking about all the "brawls" he's been in, Ryan concluded, "It's all behind me now, which I don't want Nasser to be." He then launched an attack on Nasser and the tabloid rumours surrounding his sexuality.
"It's Nather," he added, with a lisp. "Me and Nasser don't talk much anymore. We had a falling out. Nasser decided to set up a gay meeting with a young gay guy to make it look like he was gay - for media reasons. And he sent text messages to me and when I called him out on it he got mad. So, we don't talk anymore. And I couldn't f**king care less, to tell you the truth."
He added, "Nasser made me miss Davina, actually. He's worse."
A lot of these revelations came out of nowhere, often unprompted. And when Ryan decided to share how he lost his virginity, I sat back in my chair and sipped my eight dollar plastic cup of white wine as the information washed over me.
"I was 14 and she was 36. ... [A] hooker," he declared. "That's actually true, unfortunately."
It's at this point a bunch of chicks tried to score dates with Ryan. Including this lady, who told me she came specifically to hook up with the former reality star. She even wore a Davina hat.
So, did Ryan go home with the chick in the Davina cap? I can't confirm, I had to leave. There's a poli sci paper due on Monday.