Carnage: MAFS wife’s secret affair exposed
Married At First Sight's smug success story has been torn apart by cheating accusations levelled against the lawyer who lives and dies by evidence, except when that evidence makes her look bad - and, in that case, evidence is no longer relevant.
It's the reunion dinner party on Tuesday night. The final, final dinner party after last week's final dinner party. The reunion before the final reunion. Don't try to make sense of it. Trying to get a hold of what's going on here is like fighting the tide. The more you resist the rip, the more it pulls you under. Just let the ocean take you.
These dinner party reunions are always promising. Last year, Martha threw a glass of wine on Cyrell, and then Cyrell chased her around the table in an attempted glassing. Wow. Those were innocent times.
What happens tonight? No attempted glassings - this isn't Friday night at the Coogee Pav. Tonight is a classic tale of deception and revenge. Love gone wrong. The sweet nectar of every fruit has to rot eventually.
Growing up in north Queensland, if you didn't eat the mangoes in the summer, the flying foxes would. As the sun set you could hear them squealing as they squabbled in the trees. And they'd let the scraps of what remained drop onto the ground for me to step on while taking the rubbish to the bin. Nothing's more disgusting than stepping barefoot on a rotting mango in the dark and not ever being 100 per cent certain what just squished into your tender sole.
Tonight, someone is that rotting mango. And someone is the flying fox. Someone is also the person who didn't eat the mango when they should have. And, you know, someone is probably the innocent person who steps on the putrid mess. Or maybe I'm just digging way too deep into my own metaphor. Or is it an analogy? I'm not a creative writing teacher, I honestly don't care. I'm working from home in quarantine and just spent the afternoon drinking tequila on my balcony. It's a new world and there are no rules.
All our favourite ratbags return to say g'day.
"After the final vows, We skipped off into the sunset and had an amazing night. Then Drew went back to Cairns and it all fell apart," KC informs us.
"Ohhh shocker," we sigh.
"So tonight I'm going full Hollywood glam!" she continues, while chair dancing in her bedazzled mini dress.
It's all about priorities.
Cathy has new-haircut confidence and this explains why she has rented an outfit that looks like a costume my sister wore in one of many eisteddfods.
"I haven't heard from Josh at all since leaving the experiment," she sighs and we're not surprised because you guys both chose to break up.
"I'll say hi to him … but I'm not going to have a conversation with him," she adds and that sounds really healthy.
Meanwhile, Mishel's on the up and up. Yes, she was gaslighted and strung along. No, she didn't find love. And yes, since leaving the experiment someone broke into her house and stole her vibrator. But she's being positive about it all.
"I'm feeling really good," she beams. See? I don't care what society says. You don't need a man or a vibrator to be happy. Make do with what you got.
Suddenly, that 12-year-old Mikey bursts back into our world. At first we disregard him, but then he says he has a secret and we welcome him with open arms.
"There's something I need to get off my chest to everyone," he begins and we assure him this is a safe space. "Once me and Natasha made the decision to leave … I was pretty disappointed and that's obviously when there was a big cheating scandal between Michael and Hayley. And Stacey was really upset as well. Michael was in a different hotel room. And so me, Ivan, Aleks, Stacey were all on the beers together. One thing led to another, another 20 beers went down. And me and Stacey … ahhh. We … we had a one-night stand. Natasha and I weren't together, but I told her. Since then, it's been playing on my mind."
Sooo … this would be huge news. But we found out about this scandal weeks ago because these bozos can't keep their mouths shut in tabloid interviews.
Still, we'll take what we can get. Stacey has been super smug about having one of the only successful relationships in the experiment, and we encourage Natasha to derail that.
"I found out Stacey and Mikey had sex on my one-month wedding anniversary before Mikey and I exited the experiment properly. I can't wait to expose them tonight," she tells us. Good girl. Do it ASAP.
For the final time, we steal Michael and Stacey's Uber and arrive at the dinner party, ready to hurl rotten mandarins and all these losers.
We spot our favourite contestant Hayley from across the room. And, somehow, she already knows about the Mikey-Stacey affair. We don't bother asking why because we know better than to ask questions we'll never get an answer to. Remember, let the ocean take you.
All we know is Dr Hayley QC has checked out of the ward and is walking into the courtroom.
"Stacey discredited me continually and called herself a victim when she knew what she had done, which was basically get a leg over Natasha's husband," she tells us while sipping a too-full glass of wine. "Tonight, Snakey's - sorry, Stacey's - house of cards will fall on her. And hopefully it's not cards, but bricks. "
Thank you for your opening statement, counsellor. Oooh. Hear that? It's the sound of justice calling. All rise.
Dr Hayley QC then holds court and gathers the ladies to assemble support.
As the dinner party begins, Natasha frantically munches on her salad and tries to hail down a waiter for more wine so she can launch her toast/ambush.
"I don't have a good feeling about this," Dr John Aiken says. Welp, John, you can halt this train at any time. Please stop making false claims of concern.
And with that, we hear the undeniable clinks of a toast.
"I'd like to toast to Stacey and Michael for having the fakest relationship in reality TV history. And I'd like to toast to Stacey for f**king my husband on our one-month anniversary. Cheers to you, babe," Natasha slurs, diving right in.
Stacey's shocked. We should also point out her black high-necked sleeved gown blends into the dark background so it just looks like her surprised face is floating in the air.
"Stacey and Mikey had sex," Natasha reiterates.
"Natasha, I would respond but you talk so much nonsense. Why don't you calm down. It never happened," Stacey laughs. Easy breezy. Play it cool. OJ's lawyers did the same.
She then employs a method of legal defence only used by the most skilled lawyers.
"It's rumours, bro!" she yells.
"What do I have to gain by lying?" she asks.
We all look at her stunned. Ummm, well, by lying you get to keep your marriage and Australia doesn't know you're a cheater? That's what you get to gain by lying.
Mikey tells everyone the details we already heard: Beers. Hotel. Slept together.
"You are so desperate to stand there and say that. I never slept with you!" Stacey responds.
The jury starts chanting: "Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t!"
Michael wants receipts and Mikey is more than happy to present. He's got the texts! Oh my goodness, its like they historical Kim and Taylor fight of 2016!
"There's messages of me saying, 'Sorry for leaving in the morning. Sorry for bailing'," he tells the table.
Oooh! Evidence! We all know how much law graduate Stacey loves evidence!
"There's no messages!" Stacey whines.
We ask the witness for evidence and the bailiff (Amanda) returns with Mikey's iPhone in a zip-lock bag. Thank you, bailiff.
The messages are read by an undisclosed voice who we don't recall ever seeing but apparently his name is Chris.
Mikey: Hey sorry for leaving this morning. Thought it would be better to not be there this morning. And sorry for the mess, would've cleaned up but didn't want to be seen going from the bin from your room.
Stacey: Hey that's cool. I was like, 'asshole'. LOL! Thanks for saying goodbye. I'm good, how are you today?
The screen is held up to the jury and we see Mikey sent a flirty pic of himself. It seems Stacey also sent an emoji … and it's purple but producers blur it out. It can only be two options: the purple heart. Or that purple horny devil. We'll let the jury decide.
"You never came in my room on your own, Mikey!" Stacey yells and the jury doesn't believe her. After all, she said there weren't any texts.
"I was single! When I wrote leave and kicked him out of my room and told him I hated him. If I did sleep with him, I'd be telling him he deserved it," she defends.
OK, so what's your defence counsellor? You've said there are no texts but there are. Do you deny sleeping with Mikey? Or do you declare that you slept together with the defence that it's OK because you and your husband had split?
"Admit it! Admit it!" Natasha screams while slapping that table.
"These two are frauds! They're frauds!" Hayley calls from across the room. "Stacey Hampton is the lowest form of person."
"Rein it in, counsellor!" we yell while banging our gavel.
Dr Hayley QC approaches the bench to make one closing statement. As she addresses the jury, she removes her Wittner heel.
"This heel has more integrity than Stacey will ever have," she informs the courtroom.
"Lock her up, throw away the key," Natasha yells.
It has been an overwhelming night and we adjourn the jury to make a decision. They have until Sunday to make a decision.
"We've really been left with a lot of questions and no answers," John Aiken reflects.
Mmmmhhhmmm. Mhhm. Exactly. We know what you mean, Johnathon.
There remains a lot of questions. Mainly about why Ivan is now persisting with a top knot.
Originally published as Carnage: Wife's secret affair exposed