Boyfriend loses it over sex lie
IN A MAD scramble to impress some mere acquaintances, one girlfriend has lied about her sex life on Seven Year Switch, with the claims finding their way back to her boyfriend and potentially destroying her relationship.
But why the comments have caused such trouble is confusing. They weren't offensive. They were actually quite complimentary. They weren't accompanied with video footage and they didn't divulge private information about someone liking a rogue finger. But her boyfriend is furious.
After Tracey busted Stacey Louise lying about her sex life at the girls' dinner during Monday night's episode, she's come home and told Sarge about it. And the fib tips him over the edge.
If you recall, Stacey Louise claimed to get it on with Sarge five times a week. You'd think the only way he could be annoyed about this is if five was a total understatement and they actually have sex, like, 12 times a week.
Turns out there's been a major discrepancy in Stacey Louise's calculations and, unusually, Sarge would like the record to show he only has sex once a week, thanks.
"Her and I both know the truth about our sex life and how often we have sex. So for her to turn around in a forum. And tell all the girls at your dinner ... was she trying to impress them?" he rages.
"I've got no qualms in saying, 'What planet are you f***ing living on?' Because we only have sex about once a week. Twice if I'm lucky."
Stacey Louise's false claims about their sex life push Sarge into full throttle. He paces around the kitchen aimlessly and slaps the damp tea towel on the marble bench top.
"F**k!" he says, exasperated. "I can't date a girl I can't trust."
We leave Once A Week Sarge too cool off and head over to Felicity and Mark's mansion where more rubbish is going down.
It seems Felicity has had a breakthrough. She's realised giving her engagement ring back to Michael through his experimental wife Kaitlyn (yeah, keep up) was probably a bit of a rat move.
Out of nowhere, a fight breaks out. Mark is shocked that Felicity seems to be forgiving Michael. He refuses to get over the fact Kaitlyn and Michael shared a bed.
Felicity explodes. While she's spent the last three weeks hating her real life partner Michael and sympathising with experimental partner Mark, she's totally flipped sides.
It's kind of like when you spend an hour bitching to a friend about your annoying sibling and then they chime in and call them a troll and you're like, "Um, you can't say that".
"I just feel like you can be very quick to judge. You've spoken to Michael twice. And you're still not being sympathetic," she blasts him.
" ... You questioned him as a father and that's f***ing bullshit, Mark.
"Who the f**k do you think you are to even question someone else as a parent?"
Before everyone leaves their seaside mansions to return home to their suburban crap shacks, they receive letters from their real life partners. It's the first contact they've had with each other since the experiment started.
Each partner approaches their letter differently.
For example, Kaitlyn's letter to Mark involves a self portrait of herself as a mermaid with a peace sign for a vagina.
And Michael approaches his letter to Felicity like Amy Schumer at the Charlie Sheen Comedy Central roast.
He uses three pages to talk smack about Felicity's experimental partner Mark. She accidentally reads it all out loud to Mark's face.
"After meeting Mark and spending an hour with him I will start by saying I'm so sorry - you definitely drew the short straw with that one," Felicity reads out. "I can only imagine how bored you are."
She looks at Mark. Mark looks at Felicity. She continues the roast.
"I really wish he hasn't tarnished your experience there as he's clearly holding back truths. He's, frankly, a hypocrite."
When it comes to Stacey Louise, she's still attempting to maintain the charade that she's a sex maniac. She uses her letter to Sarge as a final opportunity to try convince everyone she's always up for it.
"Thank you for the thoughtful gift," she writes, referring to the awful presents they bought each other the other week as part of the therapy task. If you recall, she bought herself a G-string and gifted it to him. He was mortally offended and practically got some kitchen tongs and threw it at Tracey to give back to Stacey Louise. A few days later, Stacey Louise attempted to give it back to Sarge. It's unclear who's possession the unwanted G-string is in as we speak.
"I pictured you wearing the dog tags. Me wearing the lacy G-string. And both of us lathered in body lotion and full of love. It broke my heart to be given the gift back which feels like a clear message of rejection."
While all of us begin to dry wretch at the thought of Stacey Louise and Sarge standing face-to-face in a dimly lit room covered in KY Jelly, Sarge flies into another spin.
"This is like a f*ckin'' business letter!" he spits and I immediately become extremely jealous about never having received business letters like this.
As all the couples pack up their mansions to return home, an annoying Adele song begins to play. The mood is sombre. More importantly, Kaitlyn's vibrator makes one final surprise appearance.
When Michael and Felicity arrive home and see each other for the first time in three weeks, we hide in their linen cupboard and witness the reunion.
The mood over at Stacey Louise and Sarge's home is a little different. We arrive before both of them and hide in their linen cupboard hoping to see them hug too but, instead, Sarge walks in guns blazing. He wants to confront Stacey Louise about her sex lies.
She walks closer to him. He says nothing. He literally keeps her at arms length, holding her by her shoulders.
He says nothing. It cuts to black. And it looks like we have to stay hidden in their linen cupboard until next week.
For more observations on linen cupboards and KY Jelly, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.