A letter to the citizens of America from HRH
IN light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(Please look up revocation in the Oxford dictionary)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
8. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips.
9. You will cease playing American football.
10. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
BY ORDER OF HER SOVEREIGN MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II