Secret drug tests reveal everyone in QLD is stoned
A COMMITMENT to increasing the number of drug tests given by police has revealed almost all Queenslanders are stoned.
In a release yesterday, the Queensland Police Service claimed most people north of the border were almost permanently under the influence.
"We've taken a strong stance against drugs in this state and the results are shocking," Deputy Commissioner Bleigh Sitt said.
"Doctors, teachers, and parents have all been found driving while taking drugs. No profession was spared.
"Hell, I'm smacked out of my mind right now."
What began as a road safety campaign quickly turned into a secret state-wide testing program after every roadside test came back positive.
Queensland Institute illicit drugs expert Dr Noah Scopes said allegations of faulty testing kits were complete nonsense.
"It's not statistically possible for every single testing kit to be faulty," Dr Scopes said.
"We should really be asking about the source of these drugs, who's dealing them and why did drug use become the norm?
"And when did you become a lizard person?"
QPS data analyst Bob Ongley pointed out one person had come out clean during the secret round of tests.
"It's quite amazing that among this catastrophic societal collapse at the hands of drugs and drug peddlers, there is one person who's held out against the storm," Mr Ongley said.
"Unfortunately privacy details mean I can't say who they are, but they do regularly comment on APN news articles.
"They may not even know it yet but they're literally the only person in the state whose mind isn't being bent by drugs."
Sydney newspapers were set to mock their northern neighbours but held back when it was pointed out that their premier had been toppled by a bottle of wine.
Ms Smith and Mr Wilde from St Locals Primary School will be giving an evening class on how to get into the booming satire industry by accessing the low-hanging fruit of parodying the federal front-bench.
Frisky Business is a satire column. It is not real.