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22 of the best Dad jokes of all time

FATHER'S day in the US has just passed us and while for many the day marks a special opportunity to dust off the book of puns, who really needs an excuse to crack a Dad joke? 

Dads - here's a few more to add to your roster.

1. 

What's the heaviest soup in Asia?

One ton.

 

2. 

Dad: "What would you like for pudding?"

Me: "Ice-cream."

Dad: "Me too, shame we don't have any."

 

3. 

Two pears on a table. Dad picks one up and says:

They're not a pair anymore.

 

4. 

Dad (when driving past a cemetery): 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!'

 

5. 

(When driving in the car)

Me: "Where are we Dad?"

Dad: "In the car."

 

6. 

When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please".

Classic dad joke is to lock you in a massive hug and say:

I thought you said SQUEEZE ME.

 

7.

 

What do the secret service yell when protecting the President?

Donald, duck!

 

8. 

Me: "Please may I leave the table?" 

Dad: "And where are you going to leave it?"

 

9. 

When rubbing your eye

Dad: "What's up?"

Me: "There's something in my eye."

Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger."

 

10. 

Me: What's on the TV?

Dad: Just some dust.

 

11. 

Dad: "I've got a great joke about a pizza."

Me: "What is it?"

Dad: "I can't tell you. It's too cheesy."

 

12. 

Me: "Dad, why isn't the snake moving?" 

Dad: "I don't know son, it must have a reptile dysfunction..."

 

13. 

Where does a bee pee?

At a BP station.

 

14. 

I knew I shouldn't have had the seafood. I'm feeling a little eel.

 

15. 

Me: "Cocktail sausage?"

You: "It's too early for a drink, honeybun."

 

16. 

Me: "What are you doing, dad?"

Dad (standing on one leg at ATM): "I'm checking my balance."

 

17. 

Dad is scratching his eye.

Me: "Are you okay?"

Dad: "No I'm really worried I've got a piece of steel in my eye."

Me: "Why?"

Dad: "Because I may have it for the rust of my life."

 

18. 

Me: "How are you feeling?"

Dad: "Same as normal. With my hands."

 

19. 

Dad (watching the football): "Is Concarne playing?"

Me: "Huh?"

Dad: "Is Concarne playing? For Chile?"

 

20. 

Dad: "Have you heard about that new film Constipation?"

Me: "No."

Dad: "That's because it hasn't come out yet."

 

21.

Dad: "I can cut wood just by looking at it."

Me: "I don't believe you. How?"

Dad: "It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!"

 

22.

I finally bought a large thesaurus I've wanted for ages - but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Topics:  dad jokes editors picks



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