IT SEEMS I can't turn on the television at the moment and not be bombarded by ads for the amazing, the astounding, the five-for-the-price-of-one Ahh Bra.
It lifts, it encases, it enhances and it's a miracle of modern technology.
Apparently I can now throw out every other piece of lace covered scaffolding in my underwear drawer be- cause this little baby is gonna have me completely covered and pointing in the right direction - literally.
The most "amazing" thing about these advertisements is that in a civilized world, where we have found cures for hideous diseases, climbed every mountain, crossed every sea and explored space, here we still are, on the never ending search for the Holy Grail of fashion - comfortable underwear.
When the first cavemen and women stepped out of their caves you can't tell me they didn't get more than the occasional bit of chafe or dis- comfort as their animal skin clothing rubbed raw in all the wrong places.
I bet bras made out of T- Rex hide didn't have the girls back then jumping up and down for joy.
Talk about a mix up of priorities.
If someone back in those days had spent a little more time at home in the cave and on the sewing machine designing bras and undies rather than running around trying to be involved in evolution, the industrial revolution, the invention of penicillin and the baking of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut we would not still be enduring things like Ahh Bra adverts or the indignities of ill-fitting underwear.
And it's not just bra design that still leaves a lot to be desired, their southern cousins the undies are also under evolved when it comes to comfort and performance.
It doesn't matter whether you buy the $1.99 bargain basement special, waist-high nanna bloomers, cheeky bikini briefs, hipsters, boy-leg styles, high-cut French pan- ties or the overpriced design- er knickers, after a dozen washes you will spend more time and energy digging than was used by Carter in Cairo uncovering the Valley of the Kings.
And the fashion world is still having a laugh over the silliest creation of all, the g- string.
My theory is it was probably invented by some work experience kid goofing off in the studio and the head designer looked at it and said "Why not?
They fell for platform shoes in the '70s and shoulder pads in the '80s, let's give them a 6cm piece of string and tell them it's a pair of knickers".
This week I was shopping with my youngest when I felt some movement.
I had been struggling with a loose bra strap all morning but now my knickers were getting in on the act.
With each step I could feel one side of my knickers making a break for it.
By the time I walked to the back of the shop I was wearing what felt like a g-string even though I certainly hadn't left home wearing one.
In the quiet confines of the back corner of the store I took refuge behind a $16.99 clearance rack to make some "adjustments".
Thinking I was safely out of sight of fellow shoppers I tugged, wriggled and contorted until those knickers were back in the starting position.
It was then I looked up and pretty much at the same time I noticed my youngest's mortally embarrassed face and the image of myself on the in- store security camera.
Seems I had been the unknowing star of my own "Ahh my knickers are finally out of my bum" commercial.