Lifestyle

Our CIA coal conspiracy

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

AUSTRALIA has moved into crisis mode to save the coal industry following shocking revelations that the CIA may be trying to shut it down.

Outspoken billionaire Clive Palmtree said the CIA was giving financial backing to green groups and radical researchers in a bid to destroy the mining industry and force the Chinese to buy coal from America.

He said the information had come from the Internet and "some serious-sounding emails from people who seemed to know a lot about spies, communists and who shot JFK".

Treasurer Wayne Duck, who has declared attacking mining billionaires an official national sport, said the claims were "ridiculous".

"We have been assured by the public relations officer of the CIA that there is no secret, deep-seated conspiracy so it can't be true," he said. "This is just another attempt by Mr Palmtree to undermine the carbon tax and twist public debate for the benefit of his soccer team."

Mr Duck said he was not aware that America had a coal industry and, if it did, he did not believe it was owned by the CIA.

The CIA claims were given some credence following reports that men in dark suits and glasses had been seen in some mining areas standing behind trees and talking into their collars.

When locals asked who they were, they claimed they were greeting card sales people. "I tried to buy one, what for my mother's birthday and all, but they said they had run out," one local, who declined to be named, said. "This made me a little suspicious, unless of course they were really nice greeting cards. You may well run out of those."

New Foreign Affairs Minister Bob Carp said he welcomed Mr Palmtree's comments because they gave him something to do.

"I rang some people in America this morning and told them that this sort of behaviour would not be tolerated," he said. "They pretty much said they didn't know who I was and told me to sod off but I think they got the message loud and clear."

Mr Palmtree suggested the American assault on the coal industry might be with the direct knowledge of President Brack Oblama who probably signed off on most government invoices.

Researchers who received the funding from a foundation apparently once back by the CIA said they only got a few thousand dollars and this was used to research cowpea breeding and borer insects.

"Based on our current research, cowpea breeding seems unlikely to bring down the coal industry," one of the researchers said. "Frankly it is having stuff all impact even on cowpeas."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It should not be confused with real life. thirstycow@apn.com.au

Topics:  opinion, political satire, thirsty cow




Long love affair with sport

DRESSED TO WIN: The Waratahs women's basketball side from 1928.

Times Past with QT columnist Beryl Johnston

RSPCA vs AWLQ: The truth about kill rates

POUND PUPPY: This little pig-dog cross is one of dozens of puppies that may be put down if no home is found for them, or they remain unclaimed by their owner. Photo Lisa Machin / Dalby Herald

'It happens and is unavoidable'

Latest deals and offers

Dazza's polite moviegoer tips

Photo: Trevor Veale / The Coffs Coast Advocate.

Hidden cost of a cheap movie

MOVIE REVIEW: Life on the Road

Ricky Gervais, Ben Bailey Smith and Foregone Conclusion (Steve Clarke, Andy Burrows, Stuart Baxter Wilkinson, Michael Clarke) in a scene from David Brent: Life on the Road.

Ricky Gervais has brought David Brent back to life on the big screen

Jessica Alba wants tequila shots served at her funeral

Businesswoman and actor Jessica Alba

There won't be mourning at this funeral

Tom Hiddleston's Instagram account hacked

Actor Tom Hiddleston

Thor star the latest celebrity targetted by hackers

Charlize Theron's son dresses up as Frozen character

Actor Charlize Theron

Star's son spotted dressed a beloved Frozen character

REVEALED: Pat Rafter's $18m Coast house on the market

Check out the photos of the Coast's most expensive property for sale

The "correction we had to have" in Gladstone's rentals

UPWARD MARCH: The rental vacancy rate in Gladstone has improved for the first time in more than a year, providing a confidence boost in the market.

Vacancy rates improve with signs that things are getting betterF

ISLAND FOR SALE: Cheap Fraser Coast island drops price again

Suna Island in the Great Sandy Strait will be auctioned by Ray White Hervey Bay on Saturday morning.

This is the cheapest island you will find for sale in Australia

How a family home can fit on a 250sq m block

This is what you can build on 250m2.

Here's the floor plan of a home built on 250sq m

$100m plan for Curtis Island 'world class' luxury resort

$100 million resort: Top views at Turtle Street at Curtis Island.

"At the moment we think it meets all the town planning approvals.”

Noosa mayor on "red alert" over planning court decision

Mayor Tony Wellington hands down his first budget.

Mayor upset at lack of say about look and feel of Noosa