LITTLE baby boys wee an awful lot, don't you think?
Yes, it's another highbrow topic I am tackling today - babies and their toilet habits!
I am just so shocked at how much one little baby can actually pee.
I mean, sure babies are all a gift straight from God (and sometimes a petri dish) and all bubs are gorgeous, bla bla bla.
But I was not expecting human water cannon to be moving into my French Provincial house.
I listened in hospital when the midwives explained how to put a nappy on a little boy. I listened very carefully because it all seemed so foreign to me and I wasn't quite sure where to tuck what.
I had owned only male shih tzus before our blue bub burst on to the scene.
And a little girl, of course, but I did not need any lessons in that department.
I am besotted with our little Nixon, but a bit less action with the old fire hose would not go astray.
And the distance that little thing can shoot! Good Lord! It's a weapon.
Does it get more powerful and shoot further every time they have a growth spurt?
I have been sprayed in the face.
He has even sprayed himself in the face!
The couch has copped it.
The nappy change table is basically constantly sprinkled.
The walls have got wet.
The dogs have even copped some rogue drops on their little squished faces.
And it's so random. I take off his nappy very gingerly and have the cloth ready to whip over his bottom half and before I can do just that - wham!
When you least expect it or let your guard down, that's when the little critter decides to tinkle everywhere. I go through so many outfits every day.
Okay, I know I have banged on about wee for long enough so I will change the topic.
My Mumsy and I ventured out of the wee house this week and took ourselves to Flaxton Gardens to celebrate our miracle child and grandson.
Every local should support this amazing local business in the hinterland. It is so dreamy and we are truly lucky to have it at our backdoor.
I was tired and a bit cranky when we arrived for high tea but as soon as we walked through the painfully beautiful grounds I felt a new woman.
I inhaled the intense beauty and could feel myself relax.
The sweeping vistas of the rolling hills right down to the ocean are something special. The actual grounds are so stunning and impressive.
And there were even peonies on our fancy-schmancy table set for high tea for two and a smidge.
Peonies, I tell you! They only bloom for a few weeks a year, I think because their beauty can be withstood in this world only for that short time or the other flowers would get too jealous.
I thought the peonies were a sign of the dreamy day we were set to have. And then my little cherub peed his pants and it all came right through his nappy and over me!
My one good maternity dress that I can actually still feed in public in is, of course, white.
What other colour would such an outfit be? Heaven forbid if it was a practical shade of black.
After turning white myself, I snuck off to the toilets with my flash nappy bag which has everything in it you could imagine - rusks and rugs, books and booties, baby spoons and sponges.
But did I pack the newborn nappies? Nope!
Seriously. Here I am in paradise and was without the one essential item I really needed.
I stuffed a bit of toilet paper down my little man's wet nappy and went back to confess my cardinal sin to my mother.
Mum looked at me as if I was the one who should still be wearing nappies.
You know the look, right? No matter how old you are you straight away feel like a child when your parent gives you "that" look.
So we scoffed our scones with jam and cream and off we drove to find nappies for my weeing machine.
Perhaps I should have also bought a raincoat for those 2am changes!
Sami has a blog, samichic.com, and is on Hot 91.1 radio station with the Todd and Sami show.